Crying Out

I have been pretty quiet and introspective this week.  Eleven years ago tonight, I called out to Jesus in a way I had never done before.  Zach continued to lay in the hospital bed and I had yet to hold him (he was born March 26th).  His heart had been repaired but his lungs were damaged due to all the  oxygen they pumped in his little body to keep him alive.  

I sat in our bed and thoughts swirled in my brain:  Would he ever breath on his own?  Had I bonded with this child only to have God take him at such an early age?  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I do this?  I was a mom. . I should have been strong and able to handle it all.  Why, why why?!?  What now?!?

Then, as quickly as the thoughts started, they ceased.   I knew it - I would NEVER be strong enough to do this.  It was NOT MINE to do anything with.  It was His!  I began praying like I had never prayed before.  It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but I had an unexplainable urge to turn it ALL over to God and that included Zach.  So, I didn't make deals with God (if he gets better, I promise I will never swear again) and I didn't beg (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me) and I didn't question (WHY?).   I just told Him that I could not do it.  The situation and Zach were all His.  His will be done.  I actually prayed that if God wanted him, that was ok.  He could have him as long as it was in His will.  I released it all.  And then what happened?

I cried and fell into a peaceful slumber.  The next morning I awoke with a feeling of comfort and peace.  As we entered the hospital that day, I actually felt ready to tackle the day and all it held.  Approaching Zach's room, his nurse met us and asked us to sit down.  She had some news.  I immediately thought, "Oh no. . .God took me up on it.  He took him home."  But then she said some beautiful words, "You get to hold your little boy today!"  Tears of joy flowed down my cheeks as I heard the words that his lungs looked great that morning!

Now why am I so quiet and introspective eleven years later?  Well, I am still in awe of how God used that time to really teach me a lesson - it is not about me!  And I am ashamed at how quickly I forget that lesson and try to solve problems and run my life myself.  

Ok, I know it is past time for New Year's Resolutions, but I am making a "Zach's Birthday Resolution" -  to quit making it all about me and to focus on it being all about Him.