Lessons Taught. . .Lessons Learned

Parenting is not easy.  I think one of the hardest parts is when I look at my child and want so badly for them to learn from my lessons.  To not make the same mistakes I did.  Unfortunately, like most of us, my kids have to experience things for themselves before they see the information as valid.

I believe, however, that this past week we had a  breakthrough.  Zach has participated in activities with our church's youth group the last several years.  This year, we signed him up and we were ready to roll.  Zach went right along with the process.

One day last week, he told us he didn't really want to go.  I asked why and he kind of stuttered around. Finally, he said, "I will go.  I will just feel guilty.  I don't really have a good reason not to go."  I slammed on my inner brake  and called a "mom/dad/Zach" meeting.

Hearing him say those words impacted me because, last fall I tried to MAKE Zach try out for basketball.  I was determined he would do it.  If he couldn't give me a good reason why, then by golly he was going to try out!  Only at the last minute did I acquiesce.  I made a HUGE mistake pushing him.  I see that now.  He was devastated and felt he had disappointed me.  He felt as though he let me down.  He felt guilty.  I was basically telling him that he did not have a say over the extra curricular things in his life.   He did not feel that he could come to me.  It took some time to work through that.  I knew that this time we needed to communicate.

 We talked and realized that we had all assumed that this trip is something he would do.  We had never asked him if he wanted to go.  He had never really thought about it.  We all just assumed it was something he "did."  Once we got to that point, we discussed options.  He could go.  The pros and cons of going.  He could stay home.  The pros and cons of staying home.  He decided not to go.

However, he kept trying to make excuses - "I have basketball."  "My schedule is way to busy."  Etc.
 I was cringing.  I am a people pleaser.  I feel as though I always have to justify my decisions.  That is something I am working on.  I didn't like seeing him do the same thing.

I told him he did not have to justify his reasons.   It is ok to say, "I don't want to go."  I explained that our guilt often comes from the stretches of truth we create when trying to justify our decisions.

This week was a lesson for both us.  I had to admit - yet again - that I regretted trying to force him to try out for basketball.  I had to let go and let him make a decision.  I had to admit that I am a people pleaser and that I do things out of compulsion or guilt.  I felt empowered telling him he could say no.  I think he felt a little empowered as well.  How is he doing with that justifying thing?  Well, he is working on it and so am I.  We can work on it together.